Now that we have Anderson Cooper's email containing the least-shocking revelation of all time, perhaps the gleamy-eyed anchor can break a few more stories. Brace yourselves:
10. Vaccinations do not cause autism.
9. In ten two years, no one will remember or care about Justin Bierger (Beiber?).
8. The following people and products did not deserve the awards given to them: Crash, Sandra Bullock, Diablo Cody, Junot Diaz, Foo Fighters, Slumdog Millionaire, Philip Roth, American Beauty.
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7. Guns do, in fact, kill people.
6. Know who else is gay? These guys, and 90% of the men who listen to them. This guy, too (not the one in the hat). Probably this guy—most of the Nashville country, actually.
5. Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king.
4. Adults read YA fiction like Harry Potter and The Hunger Games because it's easy and they're lazy, not because "the stories are so good" and the "characters are so well-developed," and "you like, get inside the character's head?"
3. The vast majority of criticism over Barack Obama has more to do with his skin color than his policies.
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2. Our dysfunctional economy is the inevitable result of a late-capitalist system that thrives on a complexity that neccesarily outpaces regulation while simultaneously portraying that regulation as a bridle negatively impacting the functioning of the economy, the functioning of which was never the goal of the system, the goal being instead the reallocation of wealth upwards, all a process that happens before our very eyes but against which we are powerless thanks to an illusory idea of competitive individualism that causes us to envy and resent those who earn slightly more than us, rather than seek to attain their level through collective bargaining and progressive, equitable legislation, so that the working class tears itself down rather than building itself up, resulting in a depleted and confused mass of people who think that poor education and health rates are signs of freedom rather than decay, while the tiny upper class live in unchecked luxury off of everybody else's labor. I mean, obvi.
1. CNN sucks.
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