Shamelessly Judging The 'Degrassi' Season 12 Newbies

06/28/2012

Because watching television is zero fun if you can't be a hilariously judgmental jerk about it, we're putting the new dweebs of Degrassi under our magnifying glass of scrutiny. The new season will premiere July 16th at 10pm on TeenNick, and here are the new kids you need to be aware of- initial descriptions from MuchMusic, the Ology review is from the snarkiest parts of my brain. Because excuse me, but who do these kids think they are?

BECKY BAKER (16), Grade 11
Becky is bright, bubbly and enthusiastic. Raised a conservative Christian, Becky always puts family first. She loves musical theatre, and singing in the church choir. She knows not everyone will agree with her traditional values, but that doesn’t mean she’s afraid to stand up for her beliefs.

This is the hoodrat who's gonna get all feisty with Clare's boyfriend over the school play, right? Hm. Doesn't look like much. Doesn't she know that people don't fight about plays at Degrassi as much as they do about whose child is whose and how to kill a bully in 10 days? I imagine Eli goes "Listen, bitch. You ever crash a car for shits and giggles? You ever just beat the hell out of yourself in order to get out of a test? You ever climb through a window to stop your girlfriend from becoming a lesbian? Get out of my face," and she runs home to her brother crying. Speaking of which.

LUKE BAKER (16), Grade 11
The Tim Tebow of Jr. Hockey, Luke Baker is everything a good Floridian should be: athletic, handsome, and above all, a devout Christian. But Luke’s teenage urges often get the better of him, despite his attempts to remain pure to his Christian faith. Being a hockey player, Luke has a constant abundance of female adoration, which usually makes him the guy who’ll kiss first and pray for forgiveness later.

First of all, Tim Tebow is a punk ass wankster. Second of all, just because you're a Christian doesn't mean you can't be a slut. Ask Darcy.

MIKE “DALLAS” DALLAS (18), Grade 12
Hockey team captain, Dallas expects to enjoy everything elite players revel in — puck bunnies, keggers, alpha male status. Dallas is a fun-loving guy who’s never had to deal with real consequences for any of his actions. Dallas plays big brother to everyone on his team, teasing and mocking the boys in the locker room, but over-protective in public, lashing out at anyone who crosses him or his team.

WHAT, bro? Do you think having your last name as your nickname and knocking back brewskis gets you cool points at Degrassi, bro? Think it makes you popular, bro? Try getting into fight club or throwing your stalker into ongoing traffic so she gets hit by a car AND ALMOST DIES or having a really awesome drug addiction or being a good boyfriend or being a gay basher. Or a lumberjack. Then get back to us, bro.

CAMPBELL SAUNDERS (15), Grade 10
Like his Junior Hockey teammates, Campbell is handsome and athletic. Unlike his teammates, Cam is gentle, shy, and sweet. But whatever confidence he lacks in social settings, he more than makes up for on the ice with his dominating skill.

Based on this cutesy description, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that he's the new guy in Maya Matlin's life. Which is great, because this kid and that girl both need to be roughed up a bit, and the second this new pairing gets involved in trying to unlock each other's funboxes and all the dangers that come with masturbating and boners and sex and herpes and cheating and porn, life's gonna get real hard, real fast. Oh, you think hockey's scary? Degrassi is going to F*CK – UP – YOUR – FACE, kid.

What do you think of the Degrassi newbies? Let us know in the comments.

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