Interview: Trey Weatherholtz Talks Real World St. Thomas Hookups and Tempers
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS! The Real World St. Thomas is headed straight for your face, and I'll be steering you through every scene of every episode all season.
We start with Robb and Marie, and Robb seems cool in the I'm a Ginger kinda way. Marie seems like a bitch in the I'm a bitch kinda way. She literally takes all of 30 seconds to bust Robb's balls for bein' ginger, but seeing as they have matching Hakuna Matata tats (hers on her ass), Robb is pretty much in love.
Trey heads over to LaToya's house, a bubbly girl with a Southern twang who I feel like I should dislike and yet wholeheartedly don't. She seems super hospitable! Trey's studly and proper, so there's that. Two people I like so far!
WE'RE GOING TO THE VIRGIN ISLANDS BECAUSE APPARENTLY NO ONE KNEW THAT!
Brandon and Swift's Leather Jacket get to know each other, and we quickly learn about Swift's privileged upbringing. Swift wants to be "mad cool" with Brandon until he spots the fun bags Laura's carrying on her chest. Laura's really fond of said fun bags, and likes using them to tease boys. Brandon seems totally up for that!
The threesome get to the house and start to get all bewildered because they can't believe they get to live here after working so hard in their lives to earn LOLZJK they're spoiled bitches. Brandon and Swift's Glitzy Earrings decide to room together. Laura is shocked because Brandon's a gauge-toting, wrist-slitting drug addict-y ton of fun. Psh. She should meet my friends!
My girl LaToya and Barack Without A Tan (hah) arrive to the household shortly after Marie whips out an entire suitcase of alcohol because DUH THIS IS MTV ARE YOU SERIOUSLY PACKING ANYTHING ELSE.
"Here comes this bubbly little black chick. I just wanna put her in my pocket."
I can't decide if that's racist or just stupid it but forget that because guess what, everyone's single! Swift's Suede Button-Down decides to switch roomies and kick Brandon out for Robb.
Everyone gets in the hot tub because of course it's time to see what everyone's packing. Swift's Massive Man Chests break out and Trey's like YOU'RE A BRO I'M A BRO I SEE YOU BRO YOU'RE HOTTER THAN ME BRO BUT IT'S COOL BRO. Or something- either way, Brandon's sad about it and stares longingly into Laura's fun baggies of love.
"She can throw a football. She's like, really amazing."
To everyone's complete unsurprise, Laura's vagina has eyes for Trey, while Marie busts Robb's balls for his apparently shitty tattoo. Rob's like "it's probably because I'm a redhead but that's okee, NBD." I refuse to let Marie harp on my boy's low self-esteem. Fuck that noise, bro!
Brandon laments about being fat and Laura empathizes because remember that one time NEVER when she was ugly? They bond over Laura's flip-flops and Laura being adopted before Brandon drops this whimsical limerick:
"When I am with someone, I do like to be around them."
HINT HINT WINK WINK LAURA, The Brandon Sex Train is coming!
Swift's Super Judgmental Swagger is hanging out with everyone and judging them ("I wouldn't wife a 7, bros and bro-ettes") LaToya thinks guys are weird, and since she said it, it must be true.
Brandon's still mad at the whole Not Being Hot thing, and when Brandon gets mad, Brandon gets nekkid. Which is pointless, because everyone else is clothed and way cooler than him. He puts his pants back on and joins them in the tree.
Someone dropped a giant dookie in the toilet and Swift's Sexy Lisp has an issue with that. It wasn't Marie except it was totally Marie LOLZ just kidding two scenes later it was Laura.
"It smelled like baked booty!"
Trey gets Oklahoma and Nebraska confused, but Laura says I'LL SHOW YOU and then shows Trey her adoption letters. You know, just her way of saying hi! Brandon peeps this and gets even angrier at Trey for bein' Trey- but he's already gotten nekkid, what else can he do?!
Marie and Robb make a BFF handshake while Brandon's just writing in his notebook because there's no way we're gonna come back to that by the end of the episode.
Brandon is asking Robb for advice on how to kill Trey and propose to Laura I think, and Trey overhears this and his muscles are pissed. He's so mad about being considered All-American BUT IT'S NOT HIS FAULT HE'S BUILT AND TALENTED AND PROM KING AND ATHLETIC AND NICE! STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM FOR IT! Meanwhile, Brandon stumbles back to his crayons and notebook for a moment because he needs to write his feelings out. The two eventually reconcile like this:
Brandon: "You're pretty cool. I'm a jealous douche."
Trey: "I'm fine with that."
Marie and Robb are the drunk goons of the island! You know what, I'll give in. They're kinda cute together. But Marie passes out first and it's PEANUT BUTTER PRANK TIME!
And then the kicker: remember that book that the camera was so intent upon showing Brandon writing in? Trey goes spelunkin' and discovers that Brandon's been coloring nothing but KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME and I WANNA DIE in it. But dude, it's only the first day, bro! Day one! Come on, bro!
SumOlogy: At least this bunch of drunkards are actually likeable. Looking forward to the season.
Grade: B
Leftovers
Despite all my rude jokes, I actually do like Swift.
If you catch the season promo, Robb totally punches himself in the face. And I need to see that happen.
Favorite castmember ranking so far: LaToya > Trey > Robb > Swift > Laura > Marie > Brandon. But that could easily change!
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