The 2012 Texas Republican Party Platform is here, and it's everything you want to be, missing apostrophes and misspellings of main laws included. Let's all read:
Law Enforcement - We support limitation of criminal jurisdiction of federal law-enforcement agencies into state and local jurisdictions and encourage them to enforce the laws under federal jurisdiction. The states have the right to protect their citizens if the federal government fails to enforce their applicable laws.
Border Security – The U.S. Border must be secured immediately! It is the fundamental responsibility of our federal government to do so. Narcotics, arms and human trafficking have a devastating effect on our nation. By using every available resource to achieve 100% border security and control, it will enhance the protection of all Americans, especially border residents. The State of Texas has the rights to protect their citizens,
businesses and ranches if the Federal Government fails to enforce their applicable laws.
Hey, always good to start off your platform with policies that were declared unconstitutional by a conservative Supreme Court three days ago.
Patriot Act - We urge review and revision of those portions of the USA Patriot Act, and related executive and military orders and directives that erode constitutional rights and essential liberties of citizens.
I'm sure someone in the Texas GOP has a copy of the rough draft with that sentence ending with "now that Obama's president," just as Mr. Burns has that copy of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it.
Emergency War Powers and Martial Law Declarations - We strongly urge Congress to repeal the War Powers Act and end our declared state of emergency. Any Declaration of Martial law should be approved by Congress.
See above.
Washington D.C. - We strongly oppose making the District of Columbia a state or adding Congressional members.
But we can still ban abortion there, right?
Affirmative Action - Inasmuch as the Civil Rights Movement argued against using race as a factor in American life, affirmative action reintroduces race as a divisive force in American life. The Republican Party of Texas believes in equal opportunity for all citizens without regard to race or gender. To that end, we oppose affirmative action.
I wasn't aware that the Civil Right Movement removed race as a factor in American life. That was one successful movement.
Protection from Extreme Environmentalists – We strongly oppose all efforts of the extreme environmental groups that stymie legitimate business interests. We strongly oppose those efforts that attempt to use the environmental causes to purposefully disrupt and stop those interests within the oil and gas industry. We strongly support the immediate repeal of the Endangered Species Act. We strongly oppose the listing of the dune sage brush lizard either as a threatened or an endangered species. We believe the Environmental Protection Agency should be abolished.
In fairness, the EPA did shut down Egon's laster containment unit and set all those ghosts loose in New York, EVEN THOUGH HE WARNED THEM.
Livestock and Pet Locations - We oppose a mandatory animal identification system.
Driver Licenses - We propose that every Texas driver license shall indicate whether the driver is a U.S. citizen. No such license shall be issued to anyone not legally in the country.
Good to know that chickens don't need to be identified, but brown-skinned people do.
Restore Constitutional Integrity in the Legislative Process - We call upon the U.S. congress to pass legislation to restore Constitutional integrity in the legislative process. We strongly recommend Single Issue Legislation that prohibits the current practice of inserting into otherwise unrelated legitimate legislation funding for or federal regulations for special interest issues into virtually every piece of legislation.
But inserting amendments for other reasons that we agree with is totally fine.
Government Intrusion into the Internet – We oppose the government’s ability to shut down websites either directly or through intimidation without a warrant or judicial hearing.
Cool.
Candidate Eligibility - A candidate running for office should be required to reside within the geographical boundaries of the office sought. The Secretary of State shall be required to certify that State and Federal Candidates placed on Ballots proffered in Texas meets the Statutory Requirements for the Office sought. A candidate must submit to the Secretary of State proof of qualifications for the office being sought, including proof of citizenship and in the case of a presidential candidate, an original or certified copy of a valid birth certificate.
Hawaii birth certificates don't count. It's not even a state.
Voter Rights Act – We urge that the Voter Rights Act of 1965 codified and updated in 1973 be repealed and not reauthorized.
It's the Voting Rights Act, but what's the name of a law if you don't intend on following it anyway?
Is there more? You're goddamn right there's more. Next page!
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