By my rough estimation, I've traded saliva with approximately 19.2 different people in my lifetime… and each and every (whole) one of them deserves a world of credit for putting up with my bizarrely impulsive tastes in music. To paraphrase an ancient Chinese proverb, "You can't score without the right tunes, bro," and despite (or perhaps because of) my sort of all over the place music library, I've never been particularly adroit at putting together that perfect make-out playlist.
Proof positive, I've compiled a quick list of 10 songs that I still (falsely) think deserve to be incorporated into any potential make-out scenario. Commence instant sympathy with all of my exes below.
Cocteau Twins - "The Itchy Glowbo Blow"
My sophomore year of college, I was hired full-time as a cashier at the local Borders Books store. I celebrated by buying a turntable from the Guitar Center on 14th Street and began hoarding used vinyl from all the East Village shops I could find. My copy of Blue Bell Knoll, in particular, got a lot of spins that year. I only learned after we'd broken up that my girlfriend at the time absolutely hated this stuff.
Grizzly Bear – Yellow House
True story: a couple of summers ago, I was giving the time of day to a very, seriously very attractive individual (who I later learned was nothing but a callous jerk, but never mind that) and, no joke, we both fell asleep listening to this. Mid-make-out. It was kind of incredible, actually. For all I know, we were snoring into each other's mouth. I mean, if that's not love…
Gavin Friday - "Kitchen Sink Drama"
This is a song that should be great make-out material. It's got a slow, sensual tempo… Gavin does a lot of slow, sensual whispering… but it also might be about staying home all day and committing suicide with "From Here To Eternity" on TV in the background. I'm not entirety sure, to be honest.
Antony and the Johnsons - I Am A Bird Now
You think it's a great pick. They'll think it's an interesting choice. One of you will dream about killing a cat with a Nerf crossbow. Seriously, save yourself the hassle.
Silverchair - "Miss You Love"
This is one of those songs you think of when you have the brilliant idea to put together a slow dance playlist because the girl you like is a professional dancer and you think it would make you look inept but thoughtful to invite her to prom-dance around your dorm common room with you. But then comes that awkward moment when Daniel Johns sings, "Remember today / I've no respect for you…" and you hope she doesn't notice.
Pulp – "I Spy"
If you plan on kissing somebody for an extended amount of time, it's probably a bad idea to go with a song you know full well you're going to start reciting the lyrics to, in Jarvis Cocker's husky, beyond creepy voice, no less. HASN'T STOPPED ME.
R.E.M. - Reveal
One morning, I asked a girl I kind of liked to pick out a CD from my collection to listen to while we were laying around, killing time until she had to go to work. I picked one too. She picked a live album by The Frames. I picked this, maybe the second or third worst R.E.M. album of all time. Apart from a quick "hey" in a bar near Union Square about a week later, I never saw her again.
Ralph Vaughan Williams - "Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis"
I can't entirely explain why, but I've always found this piece of music to be extremely stirring and almost devastatingly romantic. Most people my age probably know it from the Russell Crowe nautical adventure film Master And Commander: The Far Side of the World. Want to know the worst part? I'm one of those people.
White Zombie – Astro-Creep: 2000
Despite all best intentions, nobody likes to hear a fortysomething year-old man with a dirty black beard say "Yeaaaaaah!" repeatedly when you're trying to kiss somebody. Really spoils the mood.
My Bloody Valentine - "Touched"
I think I audibly balked when my current girlfriend compared My Bloody Valentine's Loveless to whale song. In my defense, this is the only song on the album where she's kind of right.
Have any make-out mixtape doozies the world needs to know about? Leave 'em in our comments section below.
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