Yeah, you all thought that whole cannibalism incident in Miami was just an isolated case of freakish drug-induced human devolution; well, turns out we're in what you might call a bath salt pandemic, as the ninth case of the attempted chewing of human flesh this month was just reported in Utica, New York when a dosed-up women tried to "assalt" (wordplay) a police officer while under the influence.
| Related: Man injests drug, eats family dog |
So goes the story, local police responded to a call at Stanley's Bar at 618 Court Street in Utica to handle a reported "emotional[ly] disturbed person," and, little did they know, encountered a women, bath-salted, of course, who only wanted to, and I quote, "kill someone and eat them."
The woman apparently lunged at an officer, though was subdued, and proves once again that bath salts, for whatever reason, actually make you want to eat people. Why these are still on sale, I can't figure--maybe this is a government ground attack in chemtrail fashion--but we are additionally shown that crack has now been labeled a much safer alternative to bath salts.
Whether or not the D.A.R.E. program is currently teaching children about bath salts is uncertain, but rest assured, if you smell a soothing scent of jasmine mixed with a hint of lilac and aftertaste of spring rain, someone near you is on bath salts, and hungry.
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