Here at Ology, there's only thing we love more than talking to our favorite musicians, artists, athletes and celebrities... not talking to them. In our continuing series of Non-Interviews, we'll be asking hard, probing, no-nonsense questions to a rotating cast of influential men and women who are much too busy to actually speak with us.

In the wild and sometimes crazy history of popular music, there has never been a success story quite like Justin Bieber and his old haircut. Discovered squandering in the Canadian wilderness by future manager Scotter Braun and heralded by early champion Usher, Bieber and his trademark bob were a seemingly effortless overnight sensation—their debut EP My World and follow-up studio album My World 2.0 were both massive commercial successes, going multi-platinum worldwide and introducing the world to Bieber Fever.

| Related: Album Review: Justin Beiber – Believe |

Though Justin and his old haircut have since gone their separate ways due to previously undisclosed creative differences, demand for all things Bieber is at an all-time ravenous high—his new album Believe (check out our review above) hit stores and online outlets this week. To get his reaction to Bieber's post-barber success, I spoke with Justin's old haircut on the phone this week to hear the untold side of the Bieber story, including a few things you might not know (and wish you hadn't heard) about the still-rising young star.

Take a look at our non-conversation below.

Justin Bieber's Old Haircut, thanks for taking the time to talk with us. We really appreciate your time.

Sure, no problem.

How have you been doing since… well, since the separation?

Um, not great, to be honest with you. I've seen better days. Lenny Kravitz's dreadlocks and I got an apartment together in Montreal. Nothing fancy, just a little two-bedroom loft. I've got a part-time job at the local barber school. I sit on a little bust and the students point to me whenever a kid comes in and asks for The Bieber. I mean, that's me, right? I'm The Bieber.

Do you blame Justin for everything that's happened to you?

[Lights a cigarette] I mean, I could sit here and say that Judas Bieber left me out in the cold, that he betrayed me and that I'm the real reason for all his success. I could say that, but I mean, look, the kid's got a new album. It's great. I'm real happy for him. I'm doing fine on my own, I've got my own thing going on.

Any future projects you could tell us about?

Well, me and this ghostwriter from Vancouver, we're working on a tell-all book. Random House has been making some noise like they're interested in optioning it. It sounds real promising.

Do you have a title yet?

Well, I wanted to call it 'Do In Your Arms: The Hairy Truth About Justin Bieber, but my agent likes the name My World Hair Point O. We'll see, I guess.

Why do you think Justin decided to cut you off last fall?

What, you mean financially? [Pause] Oh, you mean… [reaches for a Kleenex] Sorry, that was a really emotional time for me, as I'm sure you can understand. I don't usually talk about it.

I apologize. We can move on if you'd rather...

No, no, it's all right. [Pause] Justin, he, um… he's a real sweet kid, you know? But he's still got a lot of growing up to do. Places to see, things to experience. He's just not like me, I guess. I've been around, I've seen some things. I've had friends of mine die in Vietnam. AIDS. Good haircuts, all of the. [Pause] I don't know, I mean, for the longest time, I thought I was the real reason for his success. But maybe it was the other way around, you know? Maybe I'd been holding him back this whole time. Maybe he didn't want to be the cute kid with the haircut anymore, you know? [Sniffles] I mean, he deserves to get whatever he wants. He's worked so hard for it.

Have you listened to any of the songs on Believer?

Too painful. It's still kind of an open wound, you know? I just get so frizzy sometimes, thinking of where he's at and what he's doing… ruling the world we built together. I don't know, it's a weird thing. He's like a brother to me. I mean, seriously, I grew out of his skull for 18 years. How much closer can you get to a young guy?

If you could talk to Justin right now, what do you think you'd want to say to him?

[Lights another cigarette] Um, I think I'd tell him to stay sharp, you know? Keep his wits about him. There's a lot of people out there who'll take advantage of his good graces, use him towards their own selfish means. He's a good kid, he inherently trusts everybody. I don't know, I guess I'd tell him to look out for himself. I mean, things are pretty crazy now, but they're only going to get crazier, you know? Heavy wears the crown and all that.

Is there anything about Justin you could tell us that his fans might not know about him? Any sort of inside scoop you could give us?

[Thinks] Well, I could tell you this one thing you've probably never heard about. One time in Marrakech, we were driving to the stadium in this big Range Rover, when all of a sudden, a little old lady with a pushcart selling oranges walked out into the middle of the road and we hit her, ran right over her. Crushed her like a soda can. Justin's bodyguards are all freaking out, they don't know what to do. But Justin, he calmly looks up from his iPhone and just says… in the coldest, most detached voice you could possibly imagine… he just says one word. He just says, "Swag."

Swag?

Yeah, swag.

What do you think he meant by that?

No idea. He says "swag" a lot. I don't know man, I still remember that day like it was yesterday. Haunts my dreams.

Do you ever look forward to the day when you won't just be Justin Bieber's old haircut anymore? When you'll just be you, doing your own thing?

Sure, man, yeah. You've got to stay positive in this life, I mean, it's all we can do, right? I've actually been thinking about starting a singing career of my own. I mean, it could happen, right? Who knows more about the inside and out of show business than me, right?

Well, Justin does.

Yeah, I mean, I know, but besides him.

Where do you think you'll start?

My agent tells me the local community theater is putting on a production of The Barber of Seville. I could do some background work, you know? Sit underneath the chair and look sad? Get a little bit of theater experience. It's not much, but it's a place to start. "Dream like tomorrow's going to be yesterday sometime later this week." That's what Justin always used to say. [Pause] I really miss that kid.

[Editor's Note: After an indeterminably long silence, Justin's old haircut hung up the phone. Neither his agent nor publicist have seen or heard from him since. If you have any information as to his whereabouts, please contact the Montreal police service at 514-280-2121 or visit their website. Thank you.]

Be sure to check back next week, when I won't be speaking with more of the biggest names in music, film, sports and politics. See you then!

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