After a breathless Euro 2012 group stage that gave us goals! and racism! and underpants fines! and the resurrection of insufferable British soccer fans! and Mario Balotelli! we have established a quarterfinals lineup that pretty much satisfies the ravenous soccer fan’s insatiable appetite for the beautiful game, England’s presence notwithstanding.
We arrive at the knockout stages with the (perhaps greedy) hope that the matches will open up EVEN MORE now that teams must win to advance. We’ve already seen some crazy results in this tournament, so clearly quality on paper can be thrown out the window. A tactical preview, while interesting, is futile.
With that in mind, we’ll attempt to answer the question soccer fans everywhere want to know: Who deserves to win Euro 2012? We’ll look at each team from cultural and fan perspectives in an attempt to discern the answer. Before we begin, though, we must acknowledge the futility of our own mission:
Do I really need to rehash all the ways the English are terrible people? They had their shot at the top, but the result of the British Empire was bloody and racist colonialism, a fucked up Middle East and a nagging air of English condescension. England deserves nothing.
The only redeeming aspect of England’s journey to the quarterfinals is that it gives Polish police a few more opportunities to test those testicle-biting dogs. Hooray!
In soccer terms, England was the worse team in two of the three games they played and benefited from a terrible no-goal call against Ukraine on a ball that had clearly crossed the goal line. Steven Gerrard looks rejuvenated, but he’s the only Brit worth rooting for.
Italy as a soccer-playing nation has done more than any entity (other than FIFA!) to sully the sport’s name. A match-fixing scandal in 2006 was overshadowed by the Azzurri’s World Cup win, and this year’s match-fixing scandal has so far failed to make waves at the Euro, even though some – SportsOlogy – speculated that it would impact the team.
On the pitch, though, Italy have been glorious, with the ageless Andrea Pirlo leading initiating attacks that look fresh and exciting thanks to Mario Balotelli and Antonio Cassano up top. Still, Italy is a corrupt country that doesn’t deserve any international trophies.
Who could have known that the Netherlands would show up to the Euros with a burned-out, ablated shell of a squad instead of the team that nearly beat Spain in the World Cup Final two years ago? The misery of the Dutch helped Portugal through to the quarterfinals in spite of looking less than impressive in their wins against Denmark and Holland. Still, they defended surprisingly well and got the goals they needed to go through, and BALL DON’T LIE.
On the other hand, do you really want to support Cristiano Ronaldo? He just won a La Liga title, and he retains the honor of being soccer’s most insufferable superstar. The hopes of a Portugal national team still reeling from Greece’s shock win on Portuguese soil in 2004 rest on Cronaldo’s shoulders, and it would be nice to see him crumble under the pressure.
On one hand, this Germany team plays exciting soccer and is the tournament’s best bet to knock off Spain. On the other hand, 1933-1945. So…. Umm… Germany probably still doesn’t deserve any trophies.
Remember one of the first days of ESPN’s Euro 2012 broadcast, when Michael Ballack talked about how much he loves the East German national antherm? Sounds like a commie to me. Who wrote this? I assume it was Wagner.
What’s more, Germany has ascended to a position as the axis (Whoops! Poor word choice!) of the European economy, placing the European Union’s immediate future in Germany’s hands. For now, it looks like their intentions are good. For now. We wouldn’t want them getting cocky with a soccer championship to support their supremacy.
It’s difficult to cheer for France, so I understand why there may be some who disagree with their position on an arbitrary list such as this one. BUT. This France team is pretty cool, and Les Bleus need a good showing to help erase the memory of a pathetic 2010 World Cup under astrologist/manager Raymond Domenech.
From a soccer perspective, they are one of the few teams capable of beating France, which makes them an intriguing team and their quarterfinals matchup with the Spainish the best game of the round. They’re also capable of losing to Sweden, though, so we probably shouldn’t get our hopes up.
Oh, and they have the best national anthem in the tournament. Suck it, East Germany.
The Czechs seem pretty inoffensive, a pleasant people happy to have overcome a 4-1 drubbing at the hands of Russia in their opening game. They went on to win the group thanks to wins over Greece and Poland, and they have a relatively favorable matchup with Portugal in the quarterfinals.
The Czechs are underdogs with a relatively anonymous soccer reputation as their own nation. Also, the Velvet Revolution is probably the coolest anti-Communist uprising of the Soviet era, and Prague is supposedly a beautiful, beer-loving city. What’s not to like?
On the surface, you may assume that the defending World Cup and European Champions are the ultimate front-runners, and no one wants to cheer for the favorites.
But dig just a fraction of an inch deeper, and you’ll find that Spain NEEDS a win. Their unemployment rate is currently higher than America’s during the Great Depression. They need, like, $125 billion dollars from the rest of Europe just to stay afloat, and the only reason the EU and Spain would CONSIDER such a drastic measure is because they’re worried about the fate of Europe (especially one troubled country we'll get to momentarily) and the long-term viability of a shared currency. Spain is in terrible shape, and the only nation that needs a win more is…
The Greeks may have some of the 2004 fairy dust on their boots, because I’m still not sure how they made it out of Group A.
Here’s how bad things are in Greece right now: The big news today is that GREECE HAS A GOVERNMENT. This is a big deal because they haven’t had one for nearly two months, but no one really noticed because things are so shitty anyway that a lack of leadership may have been an improvement over the economic chaos and economic austerity previous governments oversaw.
Greece needs a minor miracle to win another Euro, but if they can do that, can’t they escape the doldrums of economic ruin?
Nah, probably not. But at least the people will have something to be happy about.
But don't just accept these brief cultural/sports glosses as fact, even though they are. Tell us who YOU think deserves to win Euro 2012!
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