DadBoner had a really great weekend, you guys, even if Ann was so thoughtless and forgot to buy him all the Dad’s Day gifts he requested.
When we last checked in with our hero, Karl Welzein was recovering from a major Memorial Day celebraish with Dave at the Indy 500. “Broken arms” notwithstanding, DadBoner came back in June ready to soak up the sunshine in honor of his fatherhood. Let’s not forget that Karl Welzein is a father of three. Or, as he puts it, “I made LIFE with my peener.” Should be at LEAST a three-day weekend, you guys.
Now that he and Ann are divorced, though, the Dad’s Day protocol has changed. Before he figures out his stupid family plans, though, Karl decides to blow off steam at work with a few beers in the john and some trunk liquor when the beer runs out. “Gotta tell work to kiss your ass sometimes, and get away with everything you can. Don't slave for the dollar. Life won't wait for you. USA.” Let freedom ring.
Dads need to blow off steam sometimes, because being a dad totally sucks. Just ask Karl, who responds sharply when Dave sees DadBoner’s money Dad’s Day wish list: “Showed Dave my Dad's Day wish list. He said, ‘Whoa, wish I was a Dad.’ No, no you don't, Dave. No one who is, actually does.” So true. Still, when there’s a day set aside for an uninhibited celebraish, you gotta take advantage.
When Dad’s Day officially rolls around, though, Karl STILL hasn’t heard from Ann. He decides to head over to her place with Dave and some dirty 30s, just to be on the safe side. He certainly doesn’t want a repeat of last year’s disaster.
The boys show up at Ann’s house, but she’s not there. Maybe she’s out buying cold ones? Turns out she never shows: “Thought maybe Ann was runnin' late, out buyin' cold ones and goodies. She never showed. So thoughtless, even for her.” But Ann’s thoughtlessness isn’t going to ruin a good celebraish, you guys, so let’s rehash what turned out to be a day of drinking about a thousand beers.
After a few casual shotguns, Dave and Karl get the craps and need some munchies, but Ann’s not around to let them inside, so Dave suggests they call up Crazy Cooter to come pick the lock. That’s a bad, bad idea, because Cooter turns out not to be the lock-picking expert Dave claims he is. “Cooter tried to "pick" the lock for 10 seconds with a buck knife, then just smashed a window. Cut his hand. Used some bad language,” Karl tells us, setting the stage for a Dad’s Day that can only be described as “weird.”
After Crazy Cooter wraps his bloodied hand in a “guests only” towel, the boys start grilling some Lunchables because that’s the only food in the house. DadBoner is bummed about the lackluster celebraish, so Cooter tries to cheer him up with some Jim Beam toasts to fatherhood. Karl describes their one-on-one that follows: “Guess Cooter has a couple kids he ‘don't see no more.’ Man, had a real nice talk, guy to guy. Guess we polished off the Beam, toastin to us.” To all dads, everywhere.
The Jimmer hits Karl pretty hard, and when he awakes from a deserved Dad’s Day slumber, he finds Crazy Cooter grilling Ann’s panties, a nude Dave sleeping in Ann’s bed, and a clogged john. Mysteries abound on a Dad’s Day that wouldn’t have been so rough if Ann had remembered to plan a rockin’ celebraish. Things degenerated so quickly that the boys had to get out of there pronto, without wasting time on a cleanup. “Didn't have time to tidy up. If a man 'causes some light damage to your ex's house on Dad's Day, it's not your problem. Free pass.”
When Karl and Dave finally rap about the night, we get some answers. On why Cooter was grillin’ panties: “Cooter was in Ann's room, diggin' through her undie drawer. Said, "Get the f@ck out Dave. I'm seein' if Karl's ol' slizz gots a vibe." When he discovers Ann’s panties don’t gotsa vibe, he decides to grill them instead.
On why Dave was nude and the john was clogged: “Dave said he came outta the john in the nude 'cause he has clog situaish. Toilet overflow caught his sweats. Was gonna borrow some from Ann.” Simple enough.
Well, we’ve got all the mysteries cleared up, but it doesn’t change the fact that Dad’s Day wasn’t the greatest for Karl. That brings us to our DadBoner Tweet of the Week, another holiday suggestion from Captain Karl”
“Can't believe they make Dads go to work on Monday after a day that they're expected to blackout from booze. Pretty unfair.”
We can’t believe it either. Until the wrath of Ann catches up with Karl, we say goodbye.
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