So this week on The Bachelorette, Emily made some pretty big moves, eliminating both Travis (aw) and Ryan (YES) on their solo dates, and then announcing another shocker by sending no one home at the rose ceremony. So now that the roster of dudes is down to a sizeable number, let's start Power Ranking, shall we? Less work for me, less reading for you? OKAY!
1) Arie I don't want to be the guy that calls it this early, but I mean, come on: Arie is literally throwing Emily up against walls and licking every part of her face, how is he not in the lead? I'm surprised that the producers haven't bothered to make this competition look tougher, but I guess when you're this good, there's just no point. I would absolutely not be surprised if they've banged already, and for good reason: Arie's super endearing, likable, charming, and while he doesn't inhale nearly as many protein bars as the other bros, he makes up for that by having a much better face. He's been a little insecure since The Kalon Incident, but now that he and Em patch things up, it really should be smooth sailing until the finale.
2) Sean won two out of the three completely random physical challenges on this week's group date, and while that apparently gets you a big fat ZERO in Emily's book when it comes to points for that sexy rose, it does keep you around for another week, as well as a few consolation face-suckers. Which is good, because how else is Sean going to kill Arie like he and I discussed before the season began if he gets eliminated?
3) Chris I like Chris. I really do. I just don't see where he's a better fit for Emily than Arie or Sean—or even Doug, who I'll still rank under him—so I'm torn on why, exactly, he got the rose this week for "being brave", when literally everyone, including lanky Jef, clearly outperformed him. Maybe she just wants to see his penis. I have no idea.
4) Doug I'm not gonna lie, I'm furious at Doug right now for going all James Van Der Beek on us with his ugly man cries. I see where he'd be a good fit for Emily because he's clearly sweet and caring and all that, but for being such a big hulking dude, he seems to have giant phobias of thinking positive, putting arms around girls, and also, girls. It makes him do crazy things like cry excessively about his son and I really need him to step his game up if we're gonna win this.
5) Jef You know, I'm not really sure why Jef is still here when even Chris Harrison must know that he doesn't have a shot in hell. He's pretty much exactly a third of what Arie is with a slightly better face, and being someone's less impressive understudy is only gonna get you so far.
6) Wolf I still don't know much about Wolf or what he does or what his favorite color is or if he likes girls but Emily sure seems to dig him, and I wish I knew why. Tonight, he finally opens up to her about his dead grandparents and then makes out with her. How is that sexy?
7) Ryan (eliminated) I can't possibly be the only person who thought Ryan was about to attack Emily as she delivered the news that he wasn't going to be getting the rose. It's honestly been quite a long time coming—everybody hates Ryan, and yet she has still felt attracted to his uncomfortable charms—but God, was that elimination one of the most painful things in Bachelorette history to behold. Good riddance, Ryan, and thanks for putting on such a show.
8) Travis (eliminated) I really feel bad for Travis, mostly because he's been really sweet and largely outgoing in my book, and yet Emily clearly eliminated the bro because he wouldn't take off his shirt in public. Poor Travis.
Leftovers
So were we just NEVER going to talk about where Ryan's amazing magical facial hair came from? So he grew an entire beard in about one episode and no one noticed?
That whole "my nickname is Humble Doug" thing is ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.
Why didn’t Travis take his shirt off this week? It does weird me out when all the other bros literally couldn't wait to do so. Sean took his shirt off for Emily's two friends, and I'm pretty sure that booked him a ride at least to the top four. Again, poor Travis.
I'm wondering when Arie's success will go to his head and he pulls a complete Ryan. Ryan's only real problem was just whipping out Asshole Ryan way too soon. Arie could just go full metal douchebag right now and be totally fine.
I hope she sends home Jef and Wolf next week. A top four that's Arie, Sean, Doug, and Chris is totally ideal for me at this point. So make that happen. DON'T FUCK THIS UP FOR ME, DOUG. DON'T FUCK THIS UP.
There were kilts. There were.
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