Next month will mark the first wedding anniversary of indie rock’s Royal Couple, Benjamin Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel. By all accounts the two are still in love and perfectly happy, though I’m a bit worried. Sure, Ben has the hopeless devotion of teenaged wallflowers everywhere, but does he make a decent boyfriend in real life? We took a look back at some of his lyrics to find out what advice Mr. Gibbard would offer the fellas about being in a caring, stable relationship:
Be sure to drive her home at the end of the night, but only once you’re definitely drunk. (“Champagne From A Paper Cup”)
The one night stand is an enviable pursuit. (“Pity and Fear”)
If a girl doesn’t seem interested, creep outside her window and make sure she knows that eventually she will fall in love with you, whether she likes it or not. (“I Will Possess Your Heart”)
Tell a girl that she’s beautiful, even if she means nothing to you. (“Tiny Vessels”)
If driving to meet your girlfriend’s parents, an acceptable excuse for being late is that you missed the highway exit due to an excess of red wine and cigarettes. (“405”)
If you make out with a girl in a photo booth and then have sex, it’s best not to see her once the summer ends. (“Photobooth”)
Hide her stuff in the glove compartment of your car. She’ll completely forget it’s there. (“Title and Registration”)
Once you’ve broken up, try to talk your way into her apartment. Some doormen are more understanding than others. (“The District Sleeps Tonight”)
Try to convince your ex-girlfriends to make out with you on camera. Tell her it’s a lifelong dream of yours. (“Clark Gable”)
Women are like parrots. They talk and talk and then eventually leave you. (“Talking Bird”)
Ouch. Well, best of luck, Zooey. Happy Anniversary!
