Doing this week's recap a little differently… it's so hard to pick out the few good things that happened on any given Pretty Little Liars hour, so let's just discuss all of them, shall we?! Yes! Okay!
So once again, Hanna and Spencer are back to playing Hospital Room Raiders or something and hatch the idea to replace the note 'A' (new 'A'? old 'A'? refurbished 'A'?) left for Garrett with a fake one to lead him into a Super Fail Proof Rosewood Death Trip, cuz those always work, right?! But then as Hanna gets to putting that note under Garrett's mom's wrist, GARRETT'S MOM STARTS SHAKING because she might be dying, or maybe because she heard me playing "Sexy And I Know It". That song gets everybody going!
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Ezria scene. I don't quite understand their words. I just understand their perfection.
Spencer's up to Google-stalking April Rose and Keegan Allen's like LOOK AT ME, I'M ACTING! Spencer's too busy Google-stalking to care, but Keegan Allen is real excited about acting so he makes Toby kiss her. Then Peter Hastings walks in all SECRETS AND LIES you know and announces that all Garrett's evidence is about to be thrown out so Spencer's like THE F*CK BRO, THERE'S STILL 53 MINUTES LEFT and storms off to save the world again.
Jason DeLaurentis is staring at his biceps in a loose-fitting V-neck button-down short-sleeved henley while Spencer thinks she's got a way to make sure Garrett goes to jail forever. Spencer's dad is real-life stalking and looks so angry that he'd strangle the world's cutest kitten. Seriously, Peter Hastings is scary.
Spencer has questions for Jason and the whole N.A.T. club thing and he was like "yeah, it was my idea, but that's because I was totally ugly before I got these sexy muscles." Then he says that Ian and Garrett may have been paying girls to set up their friends. And then he flexes, just because.
Ezria scene. Again, I don't question what really goes on in an Ezria scene except WHAT IS EZRA DOING WITH A DRAWER FULL OF BILLIONS?!
Spencer is venting to Hanna about how things just aren't going her way and Hanna doesn’t know what fuck's going on so she just asks generic questions. Aria's sad about her suddenly rich boyfriend which makes sense because NO IT DOESN'T.
Peter Hastings is outside staring at the ground waiting for Jason DeLaurentis to come out of the gym, I think. Peter tells Jason to leave Spencer out of this and Jason tells Peter that he looks like he could use a tan and a facial and something sassy about having two sisters before walking off, hair gently flowing in the breeze.
Hanna's mom mentions Ted and Hanna, thinking of the meanest, cruelest possible name she can think of, calls him a goober. Guess who's Goober's date, silly? YOUR MOM! Hanna makes up a lie about Toby being her date to the church function tonight and I'm lost, what's happening.
Emily heads to the mystery location of the undestroyed jacket—alone, because that makes total sense—while Hanna needs Toby for sexual favors. Spencer won't give him up first because she's a selfish whore, but she now believes that another cop might be helping Garrett… Detective Wilden, perhaps? Emily gets into some supernatural visions about being at this diner before, which is weird because if that's the case, she did a lot of crap on her drunken ramage.
Hanna's mom starts FREAKING OUT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET DRUNK AT CHURCH and has no one ever told her what church is? Her date looks ashamed and Hanna looks annoyed and Keegan Allen looks like he's acting.
Jason and Spencer investigate the April Rose antique shop and before you know it there's a SPENCER/ALI flashback where Spencer recognizes an ankle bracelet of Ali's in the store. Of course things get bitchy—Spencer's like "why are you leaving?!" and Ali's like "because I'm better than you!"—but back in real time, Jason has forked over $400—a month's worth of Muscle Milk that will bite him in the ass one day—in order to take a bracelet no one cares about anymore.
Hanna's mom, ya'll. She just has the worst luck. That guy Ted who wanted to rail her is actually a pastor, so she wore that low-cut slut dress for nothing. AND she can't get drunk! WTF IS THIS?! After Toby storms out because that's it for Keegan Allen this episode, Hanna convinces her mom that even sluts can date pastors.
Emily runs into WAIT WHAT HOLDEN?! who now sells cupcakes, and the stamp on his arm triggers her memory back to that diner. I knew Holden was a badass, but now I'm impressed.
Hanna's mom is convinced that she can win over a pastor by sexing him up but of course Wilden has to interrupt that and remind everyone that he's got a face chiseled by the Gods, and Hanna's mom feigns sickness. You know what, gettin' real tired of bros screwin' over bros on this show.
Jason turns in the necklace to the police anonymously and Spencer asks to see the letters from her dad. But when Jason turns her down, Spencer realizes that holy shit, she's never been rejected before and oh sweet Lord, Jason's muscles are sexy, I mean, those arms are just bulging in that jacket, am I right? Thank God she just finished ignoring Toby's phone call!
Hanna's exploring the church alone because she forgets every week that PEOPLE DIE IN ROSEWOOD. All of a sudden, Hanna stumbles into Wilden, who has the note Hanna put in the hospital. Wilden believes that Hanna and the girls have been helping Garrett and MY GOD HE'S SO CREEPY IN THE DARK.
Aria finally asks Ezra why he's rich, and Ezra says that he sold a car that his grandfather left him, and he was hoping to restore it, which sounds like a perfect Rosewood lie to me but I'll believe it this week.
Peter Hastings knows that Spencer and Jason found that necklace, but he's also got the kicker: the blood found on the anklet was attributed to Alison but not Garrett, and the case was thrown out. Spencer freaking loses her shit.
"Hey Spencer, I have one more surprise for you: Garrett isn't the killer." - A
... you sneaky BITCH.
What did you think of tonight's episode? Let us know in the comments, and check out Jaymie Bailey's full recap tomorrow!
Leftovers
"I have had naps more exciting than this party."
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