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Summer has officially begun! Are you excited? Yeah? So are we! In honor of the summer solstice and the diminishing hours of daylight, we decided to compile a list of tips that will help you make the most of the year's best season! Read on if you want to have the best summer ever!
1. Stay hydrated!
The key to having a fun, safe summer is consuming an adequate amount of water. Traditionalists and so-called “doctors” will tell you that 64 ounces of water each day is sufficient to maintain hydration, but I’m here to tell you that it’s not. With the heat, your body loses fluids EVERY SECOND, so it’s important to replenish them.
A good rule of thumb is to drink an ounce of water for every pound you weigh. Morbidly obese people, you better get chugging!
2. Walk into buildings, let out an exasperated sigh, wipe your face and loudly exclaim, “Wow, it is a SCORCHER out there!”
This lets the world know a) You’ve been outside, enjoying the summer in spite of the heat, and b) You can better appreciate locking yourself indoors because of a). As an added bonus, you make those around you guilty for refusing to step foot outdoors.
3. Buy a pair of sunglasses.
Protective AND cool. See Number 4.
4. Ogle passers-by by looking slyly over the top of your sunglasses and exclaiming, “Ohhh yeahhhh,” or, “Dammnnnnnn.”
Looks awesome, is sexy, and it’s a great way to start a summer fling! Tells all potential mates you're vocal and effusive with your praise.
5. Become a Ron Paul supporter.
This summer should be fraught with political talk, but how do you rise above the cacophony to make a statement no one will forget? Start supporting Ron Paul!
You'll keep your friends and lovers on their toes by constantly oscillating between reasoned opinions and radical, impassioned libertarianism! Mitt Romney is a square, and Barack Obama is SO four years ago. Mix it up for a hott new summer political opinion!
6. Wear SPF 85+ sunscreen.
Some of the above-mentioned “doctors” claim that sunscreen above SPF 45 does not provide more protection and is therefore unnecessary. To those “doctors” I say: Why make an SPF 85 if it doesn’t work? Some doctors are idiots.
7. HAGS and KIT!
Have a great summer and keep in touch! These are the keys to making summer 2012 the Best Summer Ever!
8. Wax the crack between your butt cheeks.
Sometimes this is called an “ass crack,” but we’re classy at Ology and refuse to debase ourselves by using that term. This is what some "doctors" call a "hell hole of heat." Keep it clean and hair-free to maximize a fresh, cool feeling all summer long!
9. Master astronomy.
Do you know what the summer solstice is? Of course not! That's some old stuff that astronomers from, like, thousands of years ago figured out.
But the summer sky is one of the few things that can still strike wonder in the human heart. Why not buy a telescope and some star maps to learn how to track asteroids and stellar motion this summer? Sometimes it takes an intellectual understanding of the subject to experience an appropriate emotional response, and such is the case when stargazing.
10. Read Marcel Proust's In Search of Lost Time (À La Recherche du Temps Perdu).
Flip through Proust's Modernist masterpiece for a hott summer beach read! If possible, only read the book in public places while eating madeleines. When strangers approach you to ask what you're reading -- they inevitably will -- say, "Proust's In Search of Lost Time -- EVER READ IT?" You'll feel great about how awesome the summer's going!
11. Go without deodorant!
With the rising heat comes an uptick in pheromones. Don't block all that juicy, all-natural body juice from oozing out into your body's immediate atmosphere! Save money, time, AND the embarrassment of smelling like soap, because God gave you natural odors for a reason.
12. Buy a gun.
This is America, after all, and we have the right to bear arms. Why not spice up the summer with some sweet handgun action? If you're feeling extra ambitious, you can even join one of those crazy awesome open carry groups to exercise your constitutional right confidently! It's a great way to meet people and make new friends.
13. Gamble on the Olympics.
The Summer Olympics come once every four years, but it's no fun to watch sports you previously didn't know existed. No fun, that is, if there are no stakes. Set up an account with an offshore or foreign gambling service and wager large sums of money on the Olympics! You'll be glued to your seat during the opening rounds of women's javelin, which will get you engaged like never before with one of humanity's great traditions!
14. Harvest your own food.
Regardless of where you live, Mother Nature is available to give you her bounty. Berries become ripe in late summer, and you can usually find raspberries and blackberries in a local park. Why not travel to some private orchards late at night to take advantage of tree-ripe peaches and other summer fruit? I'm sure the owners won't mind!
15. Turn your old jeans into a denim bathing suit.
All the cool kids will be wearing cut off jean shorts this summer, but how many of them will wear them to the beach or pool? Wet denim will give you a unique, super-sexy look that will have everyone envious and staring, slack-jawed, at your hott body. Denim bathing suits will be all the rage this summer.
There you have it, 15 tips to make summer 2012 the BEST SUMMER EVER! So get out there and make the most of it!